Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Crisis

I think I'm having a crisis of sorts. It goes pretty hand and hand with the crisis the world is in, and that the ruling parties haven't quite taken to heart ie. changed their policies because of.

It's partly a crisis of identity, because in some ways I really think I've got a multiple personality order. To call it a disorder is too negative. I'm still trying to settle into my own aesthetic place in this world, I can't seem to accept it, embrace it, own it. And I can't change it.

But mostly, it's an existential crisis, as pertaining to the aforementioned larger crisis upon us. Is there time left on this earth to do anything? This isn't strictly a Climate Worrier post, so bear with me, but still - we appear to be so screwed right now that wouldn't it be better to just drink myself into a stupor and stay that way til the very end?

But I digress. I'm 33, I'm still not done with school, I'm married and have two kids which honestly fills my days up pretty good already, on top of which I'm supposed to write a thesis, earn money freelancing, enjoy off-time with friends, keep life in all my many projects start new ones, and maybe even paint my floor before 2012.

So not gonna happen. And I'm okay with that. Almost.
Because when we arrange fun, political events at our house and I'm surrounded by people who in one way or another not only seem to be going somewhere, they already seem to be there. The Swedish journalist, the philosopher, the theologian, the artists, the 26 year old activist, not to mention my husband the political journalist who's not even got a university degree to his name! Such powerhouses of creativity and energy, not to mention a deep knowledge of their fields. It's inspiring, and completely overwhelming.

And I know I have lots to offer, just can't figure it out. Can't see the woods for the trees. And between the school runs of the day and other practical duties, I can't even find the time to remove my chipped nailpolish properly, nevermind being utterly brilliant somehow. I give up. We can't have much time left anyway, North Pole's melting right before our eyes, and when that's happened completely, we don't have much time left. And that's my true calling somehow, dammit, I want to save this amazing place. I put children here, I have to for their sakes! But it's like I'm waiting for some big job offer in the paper "World Governments Offer Fulltime Position Unfucking Everything Up" (where is that job advert btw?) - I'd apply in a flash!

My life has become a Cohen brothers' movie. But definitely more Burn After Reading than A Serious Man. Yeah, they both didn't make any sense at all (that was on purpose btw), but the one was a hoot, the other was not. Clinging to all the hoot that I've got.

2 comments:

Archaeogoddess said...

I've been thinking. Probably over-thinking, because let's be honest, there's not much else to do when you're breast-feeding except ponder and surf wikipedia.

Anyway, the people you are comparing yourself to, or at least holding yourself up to, are people who are very good at and/or have a deep knowledge of one particular thing. Theology, activism, art. And you are a woman who has many interests and deep passions and multiple balls in the air. Multiple and many are the key words here. But I think you sell yourself short on one thing - you do have a deep knowledge about climate, the problems and the efforts made (or not made) to change it. That is your specialty. Put you in a room with climate specialists and you'd totally hold your own!

Meanwhile, you are a "salonnière" (wikipedia that for a list of all the amazing women that helped create the Enlightenment). While managing to become a climate specialist, raise children, go to school, take on multiple art and home projects, you bring multiple talented people together to exchange ideas and inspire and challenge each other! How brilliant is that!?!

You are spot on for not noticing the forest for the trees - because you are being brilliant and amazing ALREADY! You are awesome, surrounded by more awesome! You are just going to have to cut yourself some slack on that one. And I bet if you do, you'll be able to focus more clearly on what YOU are going to do to save this messed up world of ours.

Remember to focus on the little steps - looking at the length of the staircase will only lead to vertigo and distress!

And breathe. Always breathe!

Jennie said...

Archy - I LOVE your overthinking. Thank you. Really - from the bottom of my heart, this comment made my day. I'd never come across the word "salonnière" before, but, yes, that's me. I've been doing stuff like that for a while, besides just being a pretty good networker. I guess I just really needed a good meta-perspective, aka someone else de-coding me for me :)

You've giving me a few ideas btw, and some pep to go on - thank you!!!